Hi-ho!!! *bows* Greetings, from Madame Mervin and Mistress Hyde, MSTers of bad Mary Sue fiction in Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, and The Matrix. But, as this is only Lord of the Rings, I give you the first chapter of one of our LotR sporkings!
Alternate Title: The Lord of the Rings…in Less than 29 Pages!
Mervin: Ooooo…guess what I found.
Mrs. Hyde: Do tell.
Mervin: An LotR Sue.
Mrs. Hyde: Not a surprise.
Mervin: It’s movie-verse with no warnings. And there’s no disclaimer. And it only has 9862 words. And it’s all three movies plus pointless asides of her character having angst.
Mrs. Hyde: Yuck!
Mervin: Shall we?
Mrs. Hyde: Oh, let’s.
A female character named Caradien
Mrs. Hyde: What, is that a new race? Character?
Mervin: “Hello. I am a character. What are YOU?”
was adopted by Elrond and decides to join the fellowship.
Mrs. Hyde: Joins the Fellowship.
Mrs. Hyde and Mervin: *together* Right.
She soon falls in love with Boromir.
Mervin: *suddenly explodes into a thousands shards of killer, biting Mervin*
Retelling of the story.
Mrs. Hyde: I don’t like the way that sounds.
Mervin: *reforms after chewing up Barbies* Me neither.
Lord of the Rings - PG - English - Romance/Action/Adventure - Chapters: 24 - Words: 9862 - Reviews: 13 - Updated: 2-21-04 - Published: 2-21-04
Chapter 1 – Of Elves and Rivendell
In the depths
Mrs. Hyde: —of Hell—
of the woods lived the Elves of Rivendell. Their beauty was known throughout the land of Middle Earth as well as their intellect and charm.
Mervin: …she’s Sue-ing all of the Elves. That’s wrong.
Mrs. Hyde: Yes, author, we KNOW the Elves are virtually perfect—don’t beat us over the head WITH their perfection.
Mervin: She’s beating us over the head with their perfection before she introduces her own Elven character that puts all the rest of the Elves to shame.
Elrond was their king
Mrs. Hyde: King?
Mervin: (Almond): *ala Prince John* KING Elros??!! I told you never to mention my brother’s name!!
and could see into the future.
Mrs. Hyde: (Canon Elrond): Oh, crap—there’s another Sue coming…
He was a tall dark haired elf, with a muscular build and snow-white skin.
Mervin: Elrond—the Elven Fabio.
His wife had borne him two sons, and a daughter.
Mrs. Hyde: I thought you said this was movie verse.
Mervin: It is—just wait.
Mrs. Hyde: But this idiot knows about the twins.
Mervin: She puts in a few book items.
Mrs. Hyde: Wait…you’re telling me that she’s read the books, and still writes movie-verse??!!
Mervin: Yeah—sounds about right.
Mrs. Hyde: *groans in agony*
His daughter, named Arwen, was the most exquisite of the elves, envied by women and wanted by the males.
Mrs. Hyde: Dammit—Canon-Sue Arwen already.
Mervin: That is IRRITATING.
As Elrond dreamed in his bed,
Mrs. Hyde, with Mervin as the rhythm section: (Elrond): I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. With every Mary Sue I kill…
a knock came from the door.
Mrs. Hyde: He’s in his bed, and someone “knocks on the door.” If this is indeed movie verse, she should at least be able to tell that Rivendell is NOT laid out like this.
Mervin: Rivendell’s a one-bedroom shack, now.
It took him a while to determine the knock was in fact real, and not part of his dream.
Mervin: My brain just went to the gutter. I saw the words “knock” and “dream” in the same sentence and now I must purge myself.
Mrs. Hyde: Tsk, tsk.
He put on his magenta nightgown and stepped lightly to the door.
Mervin: *flatly* He’s gay. End of story.
Mrs. Hyde: It’s Priscilla, Queen of Imladris!
He opened it, and was surprised to find no one there. He looked around,
Mervin: —and then he found the Sue for you and me!!!!!
Mrs. Hyde: *singing* And now it’s—Springtime for Suedom and Cardigan!!
Mervin: *brightly* Yes, it’s Springtime!
Mrs. Hyde: Winter for canon and me!!!
then down to the floor.
Mervin: One, two, three, four, get your Elf to the floor!
A baby in a basket lay at his feet.
Mrs. Hyde: (Elrond): And I will call him Moses!
Her hair was dark, her eyes the deepest of blue. Her lips were as red as a rose and shaped like a heart.
Mervin: So…it’s not a baby, it’s a stunning, full-grown midget.
Mrs. Hyde: That’s all I’m getting.
She resembled him in such a way it was startling.
Mervin: (Canon Elrond): Eru! Another one of these stupid things? *chucks the basket into the furnace*
Elrond was mesmerized by the child,
Mrs. Hyde: Yikes! This one has some seriously strong Sue-hypnosis! She takes out Elrond as a baby, and within three seconds of being in his presence!
though was quickly taken out of his trance.
Mrs. Hyde: Oh—is he going to pull out of it??!
Mrs. Hyde: Dammit.
No matter how fond he was of her,
Mrs. Hyde: He just saw the kid! How on earth is he INSTANTLY fond of it?
Mervin: I think Elrond would’ve just looked at it for a little bit then nanced back to bed after getting out of his magenta nightgown.
he had to search for the mother of the child.
The search went on for a few days.
Mrs. Hyde: And then they gave up, because by then, the Sue had firmly attached itself to them all, and she didn’t want to leave, and she made them keep her.
She was never found.
Mervin: Because she was DEAD. I KILLED her, because she spawned a Mary Sue child.
No other woman in Rivendell looked like the baby. Elrond was confused on what to do.
Mervin: (Almond): Man, thinking hurts today.
He had grown
Mrs. Hyde: —unsightly amounts of ear hair—
Mervin: —to a bear—
to the child
Mervin: —because Arwen put super-glue on his magenta nightgown—
just in these few days. Though, what if every mother left their child on his doorstep,
Mrs. Hyde: —as is the case with about fifty-bazillion other LotR Sues out there—
he would surely not adopt them all.
Mervin: Okay. What the hell does THAT have to do with anything?
Mrs. Hyde: Nothing.
What made this child so different?
Mervin: She was a Mary Sue and had taken hold of his brain.
Elrond decided to keep the girl, and raise her as his own. Her name would be Caradien.
Mrs. Hyde: I vote we call her “Cardigan.”
Mervin: Or “Cardiac,” since all Sues aim for the heart.
Mrs. Hyde: I like Cardigan better.
Mervin: Ditto to that.
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