The Two Towers: MSTed Version, pt. 1
New Line Cinema Presents...
Mike and Bots enter theater.
MIKE: Here we go again. Not so many lewd jokes this time guys, okay?
TOM: Sure, Mike.
CROW: I promise nothing.
A Wingnut Films Production...
THE LORD OF THE RINGS
CROW: Hey, we've already seen this!
The camera zooms out from a sunny view of the mountainside to a close shot behind the peaks of a range of mountains.
The camera continues to follow the peaks, when we hear a familiar voice.
Gandalf: You cannot pass!
TOM: Well, we've *heard* this before.
Gandalf: I am the servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. The Dark Fire will not avail you! Flame of Udun! (Battle-cry)
The camera turns to face the rocky mountain-side, and then zooms inside the rock to reveal Gandalf facing the Balrog at the Bridge of Khazad-dum once more.
Gandalf: Go back to the Shadow.... YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
TOM (Gandalf): Sir, there's really nothing I can do. Do you want to speak with the manager?
Gandalf strikes the bridge with his staff, and the Balrog attempts to cross the bridge.
TOM (Balrog): C'mon man, let me in. I know one of the guys in the band.
It crumbles beneath his feet, and he falls into the depths below. As Gandalf turns to the fellowship, the thongs of the whip reach up from the darkness and pull Gandalf down. He clings to the end of the bridge.
Gandalf: Fly, you fools!
MIKE (Gandalf, in the distance): Well then swim, I don't care!
We follow Gandalf as he releases his grip from the bridge. He plunges into the depths, alongside the Balrog, and recovers Glamdring as it soars through the air.
CROW: EXTREEEME Tolkien!!
He catches up with Durin's Bane, and begins to stab at it with Glamdring. The Balrog manages to grab Gandalf with his fist, but loses hold when he violently hits a rock. We see a dark cavern, then lit by the Balrog as he and Gandalf plunge, in slow-motion, towards the water below.
Sam: What is it, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: Nothing... just a dream.
CROW (Frodo): Um, did say something about...er, nevermind.
THE TWO TOWERS
Sam: Mordor. The one place in Middle-Earth we don't want to see any closer, the one place we're trying to get to. And it's just where we can't get. Face it, Mr. Frodo, we're lost. I don't think Gandalf meant for us to come this way.
Frodo: He didn't mean for a lot of things to happen, Sam, but they did.
MIKE (Frodo): Like the time his beard got caught in Elrond's toaster, remember?
The camera zooms towards the red sky in the distance. We see the Eye of Sauron.
TOM: Do you think the Eye of Sauron has any depth perception, since there's only one?
Frodo collapses onto the nearby rock.
MIKE (Frodo): Ah have the vapors...
Sam: Mr. Frodo? It's the Ring, isn't it?
CROW: Oh, it's not that scary compared to the Japanese version.
Frodo: It's getting heavier. What food have we got left?
Sam: Well, let me see. Oh yes, lovely. Lembas-bread. And, look! More lembas-bread. You know, I don't usually hold to foreign food. But this Elvish stuff, it's not bad!
TOM: And low in carbs!
Frodo: Nothing ever dampens your spirits, does it, Sam?
Sam: Those rain-clouds might.
We see Frodo and Sam walking over the rocky terrain of Emyn Muil.
Sam: This looks strangely familiar.
Frodo: It's because we've been here before. We're going in circles.
TOM (Biblical narrator): And so the hobbits wandered in the desert for forty years...
Sam: Agh, what's that horrid stink?
CROW (Sam): Oh, it's me. That Legolas nicked my body gel b'fore we left.
I'll warrant there's a nasty bog nearby. Can you smell it?
Frodo: Yes, I can smell it. We're not alone.
We see the hobbits sleeping on the ground. The camera moves to a nearby cliff face, where we see Gollum at the top of.
Gollum: The thieves! The thieves! The filthy little thieves! Where is it? Where is it? They stole it from us. My precious! Curse them! We hates them! It’s ours, it is, and we wants it!
TOM (Gollum): Therapist says we must be more assertive, yes precious....
As Gollum reaches for the hobbits, they stand up quickly and grab Gollum by his hands. They begin to struggle. Gollum lunges for the Ring around Frodo's neck. As Sam pulls at Gollum's leg, Gollum turns around and punches him. Gollum jumps onto the cliff face and then back at Frodo and the Ring. Sam picks up Gollum, and falls to the ground ontop of Gollum. Gollum begins to choke Sam. Frodo grabs Gollum's head and places his sword at his throat.
Frodo: This is Sting. You've seen it before, haven't you, Gollum?
MIKE (Gollum): Once, in concert, precious!
Release him, or I'll cut your throat.
Gollum releases his grip on Sam's neck, and cries out.
CROW (Gollum/Lucy): Waaaah, Ricky!
We see as wideshot of Emyn Muil with Gollum's hissing cry in the background. We then see him with the Elven rope around his neck, being dragged by Sam.
Gollum: It burns! It burns us! It freezes! Nasty Elves twisted it!
MIKE (sings): Nasty, nasty Elves. Don't mean a thing!
TOM (sings): Oh you nasty Elves.
Take it off us!
CROW: Sorry, all shrill, emaciated creatures must be leashed in this area. Wouldn't want to get a fine.
Sam: Quiet, you! It's hopeless... every orc in Mordor's going to hear this racket! Let's just tie him up and leave him!
Gollum: No! That would kill us... kill us!
MIKE: Oh...wouldn't that be a shame.
Sam: It's no more than you deserve!
Frodo: Maybe he does deserve to die. But now that I see him, I do pity him.
Gollum: We be nice to them if they be nice to us... take it off us! We swears to do what you wants. We swears!
Frodo: There’s no promise you can make that I can trust.
TOM (Frodo): A balding frog-creature in a loincloth broke my heart.
Gollum: We swears to the master of the Precious! We will swear on... on the Precious! On the Precious! *Coughing, gagging* Gollum, Gollum!
Frodo: The Ring is treacherous, but I will hold you to your word.
Gollum: Yes, on the precious.
Sam: I don't believe you! Get down here!
Gollum runs up onto a rock, but Sam checks the rope sharply around Gollum's neck. Gollum falls backwards onto the ground.
Sam: He's trying to trick us! If we let him go, he'll throttle us in our sleep!
Frodo approaches Gollum, lying wearily against a rock.
TOM: You’d think after months of walking he’d be in better shape.
Frodo: You know the way to Mordor.
Frodo: You've been there before.
Frodo takes the rope off of Gollum's neck, much to Sam's chagrin.
Frodo: You will lead us to the Black Gate.
MIKE: Um, I think it prefers to be called the African-American Gate now.
Gollum runs off, Frodo and Sam running after him. We then see a still shot of the rocky terrain. We see Gollum scamper across the rocks, followed by Frodo and Sam.
We then see another cliff face. The camera pans downwards and to the left to show a group of Uruk-hai running swiftly. Pippin and Merry are riding on the backs of two large Uruks, hands bound.
CROW: Well, that's very nice of them to give the hobbits piggy-back rides.
TOM: Maybe they're not so bad after all; they just get bad press.
Pippin: Merry, Merry!
Merry is unconcious, and has a gash above his right eyebrow. The group of Uruk-hai suddenly halt, as a large Uruk holds up his fist.
Ugluk: What is it? What do you smell?
Mauhúr: Man flesh.
MIKE: Don't even say anything...
CROW: What? Don't you trust me?
TOM: So ‘Aragorn’ is Westernesse for Man-flesh?
Ugluk: They've picked up our trail! Let's go!
Heh. So who's doin' part two?